Some Words of Advice from Chaos Panda

After having received much advice over my nineteen years of life (some good, some bad), such as "you should put Neosporin on that" or "I think you should visit a Shaman," I realized that one of the best things about travelling across the country is the privilege of imparting some advice myself:

1) Don't pee your pants. I like to call this piece of advice, "Rule Number One." Peeing your pants can be uncomfortable and time-wasting, as generally this results in an extra trip to the laundromat. Peeing your pants, if done in public, can also result in fines of up to $250 in some parts of the country, such as Princeton, NJ. Rule Number One is followed by Rule Number Two, Don't ride off the road because you have fallen asleep on the long straight flats of eastern Montana, and Rule Number Three: don't run over any prairie dogs or into any cows, for different reasons.

2) Don't buy tuna. If you have bought tuna, on accident or even on purpose, immediately seek out the next stray dog you can find and feed it your tuna. This will avoid the unfortunate situation of buying tuna, carrying it around for three weeks, and then feeding the nearest stray dog your tuna.

3) Cows don't like you. Cows don't like you when you run after them, camera in hand, and they don't like you even when you are on your bike, mooing softly. Dogs don't like you either. Correction: dogs will like you for only exactly the duration of time between the point you give it tuna and the point you get back on your bike, at which time it will cease to like you again.

4) Hot springs. These babies, when encountered in Eastern Montana, should not be trusted. Generally, they end up closely resembling so as to be indistinguishable from third-world Communist pools. Note: a Communist pool is like a Community pool, but without the chlorine.

5) Flat tires closely resemble contagious diseases. Unlike childhood illnesses, where the sufferer suffers only once before gaining some treasured immunity, flat tires are actually contagious in the sense of once you have it once, you keep catching it again and again, possibly until you die. The first warning signs include:
1) increased effort when pedaling
2) decreased ability to steer effectively
3) a flat tire.
The disease then moves into the next stage. Symptoms include: increased irritability, a sense of loss of purpose, and excessive amount of arduous pumping, and finally, the tell-tale sign, bike grease on hands and the rest of your body. The really special part about the flat tire disease is that these symptoms can be exhibited by the person who got the flat tire or any of her cohorts/companions/sisters.

I hope these pieces of advice find you safe from most of the dangers listed above. The Pandas hope to be out of Montana soon, and hopefully without any tuna.